"If you`re going through hell, keep going"

I hope everyone knows we made it home (to Dolores) about 2 weeks ago. I want everyone (including Gareth) to know that Gareth has been my inspiration to continue to put forth the efforts that are clearly required for me to resume my life as it once was and will be again someday, so I thank, love, and admire you Gareth. I continue to pray (to Buddha) our future will be an improvement over the present, which is a hell and a challenge on many fronts. We will keep going through this hell until we have made it through, Gareth, just you keep believing, because I see that we will be a stronger, more resilient couple when we have survived this....(blog title and reference is a Winston Churchill quote on a greeting card that I came across while going through the myriad of my belongings when I got home; it is now posted on our refrigerator and seems to fit the situation). My thanks to the Osprey Corp for my "Gareth time" -we both have learned his value, which Osprey has finally reclaimed now that we have made it home! Hoping my patients will get to claim me back soon too!

The single most challenging aspect of being home is that the last time I was here, I had nothing physically wrong with me. The reminders of my life as it was prior to the bike accident are just everywhere. The snow, however, is not a reminder and does not bring back any memories of life in Dolores (this is more snow than I have ever seen here, yeah skiers!) I am also struggling with my inability to do things in a timely fashion (but I am getting a bit quicker, though still a bit sloppy, not a new feature but one that has been magnified by the injury and is definitely a challenge for Gareth to keep up with!) The list of my little physical deficits could go on but I will spare everyone and not list them here.

However, being home has its positive sides: my own bed and belongings; the doggies; the wonderful friends who have given up their free time to drive me to Cortez to get to therapy; my physical, occupational, and speech therapists; no more "hospital" dinners and frequent "whenever needed" espressos! The sheer amount of occupational therapies we all do daily is amazing and forcing me to keep getting better at doing the littlest things. Keep praying that my left side and my vision strengthen and I will see you all as soon as I can (let's hope I only see one of you and not two, which is the double vision rearing its ugly head)...marilyn

To Begin Again

The title of a nice tune by an old friend. There is another old tune he covered called "A House is Not a Home". Such was the feeling on my two initial trips back to Dolores. The first, a week before Christmas, gave me the chance to reground myself at work. Each night I would come home to a house, so well taken care of by friends in our absence but still woefully vacant with remnants of our vacation departure scattered about. Marilyn's silent belongings, untouched and unmoved by her in so long pondered the fine line between a box in the attic and the hand of their owner.

The second trip followed Marilyn's discharge from inpatient and transition to outpatient at Craig. My parent's home allowed her a "soft launch" into the real world as she refined her healing with yet another team of superb therapists. This time the dogs came back and we roamed the house as a trio, unsettled and incomplete.

At last we are all here and the house is becoming a home again. Marilyn has "settled in" with a vengeance. On her first day home she tore apart bookshelves, delved deeply into her "very-hard-to-walk-in" closet, took a shower, made lunch, played with the dogs, threw on her Sorels and walked to the end of the block and finally went to bed at 11pm. All this from someone who by all TBI professional accounts should have been overwhelmed and exhausted by the return home.

There are many times that the weight of all that has happened and all that lies ahead threatens to crush me. More often than not that is when Marilyn rescues me. She tells me she is eager to see everyone again, she will dance again, she will see single vision again, her mind and wit will be sharp as a diamond again, she will return to her patients again, she will hike for miles again and stand atop a high peak smiling (after insisting that she could never make it) - again. I don't mind waiting.

Homeward Bound!

We will be in Dolores in just over 24 hours. Everyone who has worked with me at Craig Hospital has been telling me to be careful because being immersed in the home environment can be exhausting, but I am happy to go back home.

My P.T. gave me the go ahead to do some walking around town, so let's take walks to work on my walking endurance (no doggies yet cause they could pull or trip me). I will need a walking partner and I will be needing car rides to Cortez for my PT, OT and ST so that would be great! Trust me in saying that the last thing I want is to get in another accident so let's be careful! I am off to Dolores tomorrow morning so hopefully I will get to see the locals soon and I can't wait to see Gareth here in Denver tonight and the doggies tomorrow!

A note about my energy level. It abandons me right now with little notice so if I take a nap in the middle of you telling me something that is not your speech content it is my injury.

Bye!

OUTPATIENT POSITIVITY

I am writing after my first week as an outpatient. I will start off saying that there are improvements but it will be a long tough battle for me: re-learning to hold a cup (with my left hand); not dribbling when I drink; brushing my teeth or hair (with my left hand because I am left handed). Imagine if you lost all muscle use of a leg and someone tells you to stand. That is when you realize how much muscle you do use when you stand and it is gone and has to be re-worked so you can stand correctly! So every day these little occupational therapies happen spontaneously now (with no occupational therapist) and I must count the little things I improved and learned as success. You all do these things hundreds of times and do not give them a second thought (don't start thinking your tiny activities are such big successes now unless you are me ok?) Anyway, I am not in the hospital and I am getting better slowly. (Positive thought as encouraged by my shrink and easy to do because it is true!)

Craig Hospital discharge

Hello everyone!

I am staying with Gareth's parents in Golden, Colo since being discharged which is really cool of them since he will be home in Dolores during the week. I guess the info I got from my attending this week regarding how discharge can make the patients very tired held true for me as I was exhausted and tired (They refer to this change as a "reintegration into society" -uh oh, you all have been warned of my "reintegration").

As for the discharge: my therapists are all as dedicated as I could want and my eyes are being treated for the double vision with rotation (pray for that) and my lack of ability to produce the neurochemical Serotonin is being treated with low dose antidepressant which has ceased my inappropriate laughing (emotional lability) but can not put a stop to the appropriate laughing.

My medical knowledge of Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) has taken a leap since I have been considered a "severe" TBI -patient and now I am hoping that this experience will influence my future in medicine somewhat - look out patients because I am being influenced by this experience. See you soon Doloreans but keep in mind how tired I may be!

Brain Therapy

Looks like I will be discharged from inpatient tomorrow but will stay here for rehab for the next 2 1/2 weeks for the quality of rehab here at Craig. I am so happy though not to have to spend my days as an inpatient but I still have a great deal of recovering to do on the outside. I am looking forward to getting back to Dolores and recovering at my own pace.
Melissa, a college friend, just visited during the exams my therapists administered to evaluate my progress and to make recommendations for my future therapists, and thank God she was here to verify the difficulty of the speech therapy I am taking to keep my brain sharp. I am thankful to have that quality of brain sharpening and hope it can keep the brain continuing to rehabilitate as the left side of my body is.
Looks like I will comtinue the neuro-psych counseling at home too as the psych stuff grabs me and the frustration is difficult for me to figure out but essential to my getting through this difficult situation and an important part of my recovery. Thank God Melissa and Gareth confirm that my personality is still fully present since I feel the smartass in me is still fully present and as charming as ever!!

Collar Free

Marilyn has finally got rid of her C-collar! Accordingly, she passed it on to her dog.

2008

It has to improve as a year - over any year or experience ever in my
life - this is the worst possible thing for anyone to go through and I do not wish it on anyone ever - so I hope everyone will appreciate their existence this year and if anything comes out of my experience, I want that to be it. Happy 2008 everyone!

Pieces of Memory

"I wish I could take the memory that I have in my brain and put it in your brain and compare it to yours so I could see if they match."

- Marilyn trying to piece together events days before her accident.
New Years Eve 2007

Vision

Hello. My vision has been off since the accident, I am seeing double and my left eye also rotates one of the images. Seeing the eye doc who is placing the blame on my 3rd and 4th cranial nerve - and he will make me a left eyeglass prism that may help my extraocular muscle retrain to not rotate. I have also been somewhat self critical and my shrink told me that is quite common for brain injured patients to get self-critical so he advised me to "TEFLON-IZE" MYSELF - to get tougher during the challenging recovery. Those reading who know me well know what a self critic I am so this is a challenging time for me and my therapists are finding out the hard way! Take care and happy 2008! Marilyn